Existence ≠ Existence
Existence is Existence is Existence
We scroll, watch, type, dread, scroll, clean, watch, run, dare, barely, we don’t look too closely sometimes and sometimes things aren’t looking closely back at us.
What about that feeling where nothing is satisfying. That feeling of scrolling through your music playlist hoping something hits and it never does. The line in the song you would listen to on repeat that you no longer relate to. The beat switch that gave you chills and does nothing now. The movie that once made you feel relentless now feels calm and joyless. You switch from show to show on Netflix just to hop back into another season of Greys Anatomy or Friends because you don’t want to leave the comfort of familiarity.
Is this why we get up at 1 am to clean and do push ups? To feel like we did something to earn the rest? Some people wake up and reorganize entire rooms. Clean other peoples homes because the mess is too much for them. Sterilizing themselves in the process. This willingness to hold on or the unwillingness to let go is a dreadful process of self isolation. A mind fixated on a problem not meant for this moment. A mind drawn by something unreachable so we fix what we can in the moment. Relying on motivation as a crutch will ensure anyones crutch will be kicked out of their balance. What happens if theres no motivation to demotivate. Sure, we can get stuck in a spiral of nonchalance and pretend none of this really matters. We can bust our friends balls endlessly to laugh it off and pretend like what just happened is totally normal and not heartbreaking. Lets laugh it off some more until we’re bone dry and unaware. Lets keep laughing at ourselves and each other until our throats dry out and form a river of glass that pours out like molasses. A red esophageal sea of shame splitting wide open for us all to enjoy until the madness of laughter is all we have.
Existence is no longer even existence. We don’t even have the balls to look at each other and admit that we’re a little lost.